“Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends…”
–The Beatles
So many people I know want to do better, be different, quit smoking, what have you. I always wonder what kind of community they have to help them. For example, maybe you want to be a different mama than the way your mama mama’ed–but if you're not part of a community that's going to hold you accountable and support you, you’ll end up back at your factory settings. For most people, it’s just what it is to be human.
When I was preparing to defend my Ph.D. dissertation, my program advisor took me aside: “Before we schedule your defense, I want you to go home and draw the theoretical section for your project.”
I said, “Excuse me?”
“You can do it however you like–computer or crayons,” he said, “but focus on that methodological section.”
I was mad; I’d already poured so much into the process and frankly, the assignment felt like silly busy work to me. But I went home, got the colored pencils out, cussed, and began to draw my project–and realized that I’d made a huge mistake in the research design; it could have tanked my dissertation. I wouldn’t have caught it without my advisor’s suggestion.
I needed that challenge, that loving joust. In fact, all my years in graduate school taught me how much I need the collective body: the experience of other people to help me make sense of what I was reading and discerning. Putting me in a room and reading everything on the shelf wouldn’t have done it; it was being challenged by others that helped me refine my ideas: iron sharpens iron.
As a UU, I need the balance of accountability and support that comes only from being in deep relationship with others. I’m proud that our faith is covenantal (where the evidence of our beliefs is demonstrated in our relationships) and not only confessional (where the evidence of belief is in the words professed in the public square.)
Sure, accountability can be difficult: we don’t always prefer to be challenged by others or required to confront our “growing edges.” Relationships of accountability and support – the challenge and the nurturing – can make us cuss and feel like a waste of time. Ultimately, however, these relationships shape us in meaningful and powerful ways that call us to grow, to do better, and to be our best selves.
Prayer
Holy Spirit, help me accept the truth about myself that is revealed in sacred relationships so that I can grow, thrive, and be fully present to others on their journey as well. Grant me the grace and patience needed to do so gently and firmly as needed. Amen.