“While you might think it’s a trick, having affection for one’s goofy, crabby, annoying, lovely self is home. This has been my meager salvation.”
–Anne Lamott
December is a whirlwind in my family, and possibly in yours. Throughout this frenetic season I bake countless cookies, plan intricate activities for work obligations, and try to create holiday magic for others to stave off feelings of winter melancholy in myself. By the end of December, I feel like one of the ornaments that my dog has pulled off the tree to nibble on.
I try to conserve a bit of energy on Christmas Eve to make my favorite overnight cinnamon rolls. I lovingly make the dough before the candlelight service, baby the rolls overnight, and bake them fresh on Christmas morning as our home fills with eager anticipation.
Last year, just as my children started whimpering for sugar, I pulled the cinnamon rolls out, their pillowy bounty beckoning. I placed them on the counter to cool, insisting they would be ready soon. A few minutes later I heard a strange popping noise from the kitchen. My stomach sank as I realized the pan had cracked into a million pieces, filling the cinnamon folds with angry glass shards.
Defeat, disappointment, and the sharp jab of self-criticism filled me. My beautiful cinnamon rolls, the final gift of the season, were now detritus.
I sank onto the couch, my family taking turns expressing their own sadness while offering the comfort of candy pulled out from stockings. Reminded of our family motto, “Pobody’s Nerfect,” I grieved the loss with compassion. Our dog nosed me, climbing over to cuddle. My partner dug in the back of the fridge, hoping to find a leftover can of store brand cinnamon rolls. I sat in the morning light, surrounded by my family, the lights twinkling as holiday music filled the air. Taking a slow breath, the air around me finally stood still.
When faced with imperfection, self-criticism, or doubts, we can allow ourselves grace. We can try to breathe in the love that surrounds us, finding the anchors of self-compassion, connection, and community. Sometimes it can be hard to find meaning when faced with the daily work of living in this world and all its complexities. Yet, I still cling to the hope that whatever defeats or disappointments we encounter this season, we might find a bit of holiday magic that tastes sweeter than the most perfect treat.
Prayer
May I be happy, may you be happy, may we all be happy in this season. May I find peace and comfort in letting go of perfectionism and self-criticism. Help me feel the calm in the storm—even the ones of my own making.