"Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change."
—Bob Kerrey
For many years, I served on a healthy congregations team in the Pacific Northwest District. Our task was to support congregations in engaging conflict in a healthy way. Because I’m someone who tends to see patterns, it didn't take long for me to realize that when hard and heartbreaking things were happening in the wider world, conflicts erupted more often and people were less able to be creative and compassionate as they sought reconciliation and resolution.
I developed a theory: when we feel distressed and powerless in the face of current events, some people tend to turn toward spheres where we do have power—and exert it in unhealthy ways. Other folks, already harboring raw nerves and bruised hearts, find themselves more sensitive than usual and prone to reaction, rather than thoughtful and caring response. It's a recipe for disaster!
When I floated my theory to leaders embroiled in conflict, a lot of heads nodded. More importantly, shoulders relaxed and stances softened. Just realizing that the energy behind the conflict is distress rather than aggression or dislike made a lot of difference.
In these times where so many hard and horrible things are happening in our nation, I'm reminded of this pattern. My heart echoes a refrain gifted to me by a wise leader in my own congregation, one who died several years ago: "Sometimes, some people need a little extra grace."
It seems to me that right now, we all need a little extra grace. We need to offer ourselves extra grace, and tend to our own ragged nerves and bruised hearts. We need to offer each other extra grace: pausing before reacting; offering and receiving apologies liberally.
Most importantly, we need to remember that we’re all in this together. It's a waste of energy to engage in fruitless conflict, and now is a time when every iota of love we have is needed to soothe the many hurts in our broken and beautiful world.
Prayer
God of my heart, in times of stress and conflict, help me to remain open. Help me to speak and act with care and kindness. Help me to welcome accountability rather than fearing it. Ground me in the sure knowledge that I am deeply, unconditionally loved, in all my imperfections. May I live and move and act with grace and compassion, toward myself, and everyone I encounter.