“I’m not broken. I’m different and that’s okay.”
—Ellen Hedger
“Hablo mejor que entiendo.” Years ago I memorized this phrase to explain my Spanish-speaking abilities: “I speak better than I understand.” My aunt was trilingual and I have her gift for learning proper pronunciation in other languages, but not her ability to understand them—so I feel lost and ashamed in pretty much every Spanish conversation.
This is also true in English, my native tongue: I do better at speaking than understanding. Like the time I went into too much detail on the phone about our upcoming motel reservation when all they needed was my last name to find the reservation. Each time I make this kind of mistake, it’s too easy to catapult myself back into the shame and guilt that was instilled in me as a child. I’ve been working on this for decades: learning that I often give too much information, and trying to remember that folks want to be heard—because I want to be a better listener!
A few years ago I found out the “why” behind my struggles: I’m on the autism spectrum. This helps explain my difficulty understanding! As a child, I was consistently over-corrected by my (probably also autistic) mom, who just wanted me to fit in. She taught me to focus on giving to others and sharing my knowledge. I loved to read and learn, and there was so much amazing and helpful info I could share! It was a way to mask my autism—though I didn’t have those words for it.
Learning about my neurodiversity has been a huge relief: I do not need to continue carrying the toxic shame that has haunted my entire life. It’s also a complicated journey: I haven’t been able to just flip the switch to rid myself of decades of conditioning. It’s a slow learning curve. I still often go into shame, but I am creating brave new patterns of compassion and patience for myself.
Hablo mejor… Yes, I do speak better than I understand, but coming to understand myself more deeply points me towards tools that are leading to a more relaxed and serene life.
Prayer
Spirit of Life and Learning, thank you for continuing insights about myself and my world. As I seek a healthy balance between giving and receiving, speaking and listening, let me deepen my appreciation for uniqueness, mine and others’.