“Whatever transgressions and evil deeds of various kinds there are, all arise through the power of conditioning factors, while there is nothing that arises independently….Therefore, even if one sees a friend or an enemy behaving badly, one can reflect that there are specific conditioning factors that determine this, and thereby remain happy… Some commit offences out of delusion. Others, deluded, grow angry. Who among them should we say is free from blame, or who should we say is guilty?”
—Bodhicaryavatara (“Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life”) by Shantideva (trans. Kate Crosby and Andrew Skilton)
What do you do when you’re really angry with someone and you can’t seem to let it go?
Many years ago, someone came into my life who triggered a lot of anger and dislike in me. For weeks, I witnessed this person boss other people around to get their own needs met. When they started to do the same to me, my anger started to eat me up on the inside. I didn’t know what to do.
At the time, I was taking a Buddhism class; one of the textbooks was The Bodhicaryavatara by Shantideva, an Indian monk who lived 1,300 years ago. It’s a classic written for people who want to be fully wise and compassionate and aren’t fully there yet. In other words, pretty much all of us!
I remember the day I read the passage above and thought, Whoa! He’s talking to me! I’d been so angry at this person in my life. But here was Shantideva telling me, Here’s some perspective: the harmful things this person is doing have come about because of everything that has come before in that person’s life, and in the lives of the people that have influenced them, all the way as far back as you can imagine.
Right now, you’re blaming that person for their harmful actions. You’re angry at them. But why are you so angry with this one person? You might as well blame the entire history of the world.
I realized this person was doing their best in their relationships. I didn’t like what was happening, but that didn’t mean they and the others involved weren’t also doing the best they could.
That realization dissolved my anger into sadness and also compassion: yet another lesson that it’s hard to be a human being, and none of us are doing it perfectly. And when this person pushed my boundaries with their behavior–sure, my first reaction was anger. But remembering Shantideva’s words, I was able to calm down; I let the person know what I could and couldn’t do, and what I needed from them in return.
I won’t say everything went perfectly from then on; the relationship continued to be bumpy. But I knew they were doing their best, just as I was. And that felt much better than my self-righteous anger ever did.
Prayer
When life seems most confusing and difficult, may I feel and know the universal compassion that holds us all, no matter who we are or what we have done. And may this compassion wash over all beings, that our hearts might know peace and our minds shine with radiant wisdom, even now.